Money Smart Parenting

As parents, our deepest desire is to nurture, protect, and raise our children to be happy, resilient, and kind. But what if, in the rush of everyday stress, we unintentionally inflict emotional wounds? What if the very things we say or do—believing they’re harmless or even helpful—are silently hurting our children?

In The Body Keeps the Score, trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk reminds us that emotional pain, especially in childhood, can shape the brain’s development and influence everything from relationships to self-worth. The goal of this post isn’t to shame—it’s to shed light. With understanding and gentleness, we can break cycles and rewrite our parenting patterns.

This post is not meant to trigger guilt, but rather to spark reflection and awareness. When we understand the science behind connection and behavior, we’re empowered to do better. Some of the links in this post may be affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission, at no extra cost to you, if you make a purchase through them. I only share products I truly love and personally use or would use for my own family

1. Constant Criticism Disguised as “Tough Love”

Constructive feedback is necessary, but constant criticism can erode a child’s sense of self. When children hear phrases like:

• “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
• “You’re always messing things up”
• “You should know better by now”

They start internalizing that they’re not good enough. According to Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman, chronic criticism sends the message that love is conditional and self-worth is earned through perfection. Over time, this can lead to low self-esteem, people-pleasing, or rebellion.

Try this instead: Use “I” statements and focus on behaviors, not character. “I noticed your homework wasn’t done. Let’s talk about what’s going on.”

2. Emotional Neglect: Being There, But Not Really

Emotional neglect often goes unnoticed because it’s not about what you do—but what you don’t. If your child is upset and you brush it off with:

• “You’re fine, stop crying”
• “Don’t be dramatic”
• Or you simply walk away…

…you might be shutting the door to emotional connection. In Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb, emotional neglect is described as the invisible force that causes children to grow up feeling unseen, unsupported, and often unable to identify or express their own emotions.

Try this instead: Pause, get to eye level, and ask: “Do you want a hug or just someone to listen right now?”

3. Overcontrol in the Name of “Protection”

It’s natural to want to keep our children safe. But excessive control—micromanaging their choices, dismissing their preferences, or not allowing them to express themselves—can send the message that they are not trusted or capable. Over time, this can stunt their independence and self-confidence.

Try this instead: Allow small, age-appropriate freedoms and responsibilities. Let them pack their lunch. Let them choose how to spend their weekend free time. Let them fail—and learn.

4. Humiliation as a Teaching Tool

Sarcasm, mocking, or punishing children publicly can be deeply damaging. Even if meant as a joke, humiliation teaches children to associate mistakes with shame instead of learning. Discipline should be respectful and private, never at the cost of their dignity.

Shamed children often withdraw, lash out, or begin to lie to avoid humiliation. They stop learning and start performing out of fear.

Try this instead: Discipline with connection and curiosity. “Let’s figure out what happened and how we can fix it together.”

5. Withholding Affection as Punishment

Using love or affection as a bargaining chip—“I won’t hug you until you behave”—confuses children and makes them feel love is conditional. Affection and discipline can coexist. Children should never feel that they have to earn love by being “perfect.”

Ignoring a child after a mistake, refusing to hug them, or giving the silent treatment might seem like a form of boundary-setting, but it deeply affects attachment. In Hold On to Your Kids, Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté highlight how emotional withdrawal can make children more clingy—or more defiant—as they chase the lost connection.

Try this instead: Stay connected through the hard moments. “I’m upset with what happened, but I still love you, and we’ll work through this together.”

Final Thoughts: Awareness is Empowering

No parent is perfect. We all slip up. But emotional abuse often hides in everyday habits, especially if they were modeled to us growing up. The key is reflection and a willingness to grow.

If you recognize any of these signs in your parenting, take a deep breath. This isn’t a judgment—it’s an invitation to shift, repair, and rebuild. Healing is always possible, and even small changes can make a big difference in your child’s emotional world.